Welcome to the very first installment of THE DIRTY SANCHEZ!! where Chris and Eric talk shit about shitty movies!! Sure you already know me (I guess) but if you haven’t met Chris, please go familiarize yourself with him over at his blog @ FILM HIPSTER !! It’s a great place to go read and one of the first things I do in the morning! He’s also the brilliant Graphic Designer who made our wonderful marquis logo! Excellence!! With THE DIRTY SANCHEZ!! what we’ll do is both watch a shitty piece of shit and then go back and forth until our wives make us get off of the computer and then polish it up real nice and put our thoughts out here for you. I think that’s enough explanation, now go read, enjoy, laugh so hard you poop yourself and then please Social Media the crap out this with all of your friends and especially your family!
Eric: I am not lying when I tell you that this movie was god fucking awful. In fact – I don’t really have a bunch of words to say about this… we’ll have to do some pics…
Chris: I thought it was very watchable, don’t forget that the The Littlest Hobo is still number one in it’s time slot up here in the north.
Eric: This is about how clear the entire fucking NINETY minutes were. Not only was the acting pure shit and the plot stupid, but it was NINETY minutes of this.
Chris: Hey, up here in Canada we call that HD. This is the part of the film where we’re introduced to Pretty boy Pete and Slutty Sally.
Eric: So this guy is a stud professor at the local university and he’s all about DNA research. He wants to make people live forever. He is also a terrible actor and has shit for line delivery.
Chris: He is a heart throb though isn’t he Eric? All Christian Bale like?
Eric: There was a brief bright spot early on in this movie when this chick was trying to distract him from his lecture, but that only lasted a couple of seconds and he was not all about that. He is all about his research, see. All business. Screw getting laid by a hot coed.
Chris: He’s getting the googily eyes from the hot Backdoor Cheerleader who looks like she wants a real good Dirty Sanchez from Pretty boy Pete.
Eric: He’s all: “Let’s go back to the lab and do some more research!! I’m awesome!! I’m smart!!! I am not a douchebag!!!”
Chris: Look, he tests on Baboons the asshole and stores human hearts in tomato paste bottles. Why is this reminding me of The Human Centipede?
Eric: Back at the lab he finds out all of his funding has been cut off by this bitch!! SCREW HER!!!
Chris: He also says to his gay partner Willy who looks like he’s been on the receiving end of a few Dirty Sanchez’s himself, “Don’t worry Willy, I’ll find the money somehow, even if I’ve got to trade my shoes in to do it.” What?
Chris: Wait, why is Mortimer Duke from Trading Places in this?
Eric: Is that who that is? I thought someone had snuck a shot of his old, dead penile into the reel….
Eric: Later, he heads back to the lab and injects himself with his experimental DNA juice and starts to DE-VOLVE back into what man used to be!
Chris: Needle in the eye, needle in the eye!
Chris: We pan over to a close up of his test bunny rabbit that looks scared as fuck and wondering when his last carrot will be. This has got to be Canadian.
Eric: Looking at the script and the director’s notes, this bunny trained at the New York Film Academy… interesting….
Chris: Over at Slutty Sally’s house, a Whore Babysitter shows up with remnants of a Dirty Sanchez on her lips. This is where we first meet little Dipshit Tommy, Slutty Sally’s punk ass son. I don’t like him at all, he’s a creepy little kid.
Eric: I don’t like anything about this movie….
Eric: The bitch that cut off his funding?? SCREW HER??? Well, he does go screw her and she takes off her shirt (if you’re interested).
Chris: Yeah they do it while Dipshit Tommy is in the other room. Cool, YouTube porn.
Chris: The next day arrives and we see Pretty boy Pete in the classroom where he gets invited to a party, an anytime party by the Backdoor Cheerleader. Nice, I definitely see a Dirty Sanchez in her future.
Eric: Liquor in the front, poker in the rear!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAATT???
Chris: Ok, so this is where it starts getting really Canadian. Over at Pretty boy Pete’s Lab we’re introduced to Paraplegic Professor Lloyd – whose going through Pretty boy Pete’s research like a dick. Get this, as the paraplegic walks past, Pretty boy Pete trips him!! I ain’t making this shit up, he actually trips him.
Eric: I still stand firm that Paraplegic Professor Lloyd is really someone’s penis. In a lab coat. Wearing shoes.
Chris: Cue Pretty boy Pete’s strange visions Part 01: neon lights, rabbits and a hooker murder? What’s with Pretty boy Pete’s strange connection with rabbits?
Eric: Let me flip around in the script. Flip. Flip. Flip. Oh here we go – “Raised feral by a family of rabbits before getting his degree in DNA-ing.
Chris: Pretty boy Pete takes Dipshit Tommy to the zoo with Slutty Sally whose seems to be all pissed from the Dirty Sanchez she received the night before.
Raised by a family of Llamas before getti”
Chris: Finally, after all the testing and experimenting on himself has taken its toll and shit starts to get real. As he’s in the washroom taking a dump, his eyes turn into white eggs and he’s Bruce Banner’ing out on himself. Is it possible to give yourself a Dirty Sanchez?
Eric: Script notes: “Pete starts to devolve on the toilet.” “Achieved desired facial expression when actor accidentally stuck finger in dirty ass when he missed a wipe”
Chris: Slutty Sally yells at Dipshit Tommy to turn the volume down on his fuckin’ Nintendo! Great scene, great acting.
Eric: Time for a Dirty Sanchez Fun Fact! Scarred from the horrors of making this film, this boy would go on to start as the title character in that campy, cult classic BARBARELLA.
Chris: Oh shit, he goes to Backdoor Cheerleader’s house. He feeds her water from the sink for like 10 minutes after a Dirty Sanchez, then kills the shit out of her. He takes off from the house and for some reason the police see him running and they chase him into an underground parking lot and accidentally hit him with their squad car.
Eric: Time for another Dirty Sanchez Fun Fact!!! The hand that was used in this scene was not an actual real hand. At the time of this production, The Hand Union Guild was on strike in Canada looking for better wages and changes in Paid Time Off policies. Faced with a very small budget, the director and his pal crept across the border one night, broke into the Mall of America and stole a mannequin’s.
Chris: So Pretty boy Pete is taken to the Hospital where we meet Dr. Mike Lester the Molester. He says to Paraplegic Professor Lloyd (who for some reason is now dressed like the Library cop from Seinfeld)… “It’s like he had aged 50 years all at once, it’s absurd, but that’s how it is.”
Eric; The penis is wearing a hat!!! AWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!
Chris: Slutty Sally decides this is a great time to take a hot shower. Cool, more YouTube porn.
Eric: HMMMM the script calls for a lengthy S&M shower scene with her and the babysitter. That must have been cut out. I sure HOPE there’s a Director’s Cut out there somewhere!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG I HAVE to get it!!!
Chris: Paraplegic Professor Lloyd, Gay Willy, Santa, The Whore Babysitter – they all get the Dirty Sanchez!!
Eric: AND THEY ALL FUCKING DESERVED IT!!!!!!!
Chris: “I’ve become a living fossil.”
Eric: ANOTHER penis!!! What is this shit???????
Chris: What the fuck is going on? Oh, everyone’s back at the Lab. The cops are waiting outside the building along with Paraplegic Professor Lloyd, Mortimer Duke from Trading Places and Dr. Mike Lester the Molester. The suspense must be killing you!
Eric: I bet our readers are LITERALLY dying from suspense regarding how this beauty will end up……
Chris: With guns cocked, Pretty boy Pete runs out and…..and…….wait for it………Oh MY GOD! It’s Godzirra!
Eric: “Devolve??” you asked!!! “You mean like a baby or an amoeba or an embryo?” NO – he turns into a goddamn fucking dinosaur. And it’s the worst goddamn fucking dinosaur outfit ever made in the history of dinosaur costumes. I mean – Sid and Marty Croft were putting better shit out back in the 70s than we had on display here. Fuck that!!
Eric: To top things off – after the police riddle this thing with shotgun shells he then turns into a tiny lizard. What in the fuck? Screw this thing!
Chris: I thought he turned into decomposed lasagna. I also thought Dipshit Tommy, like the dipshit he is, stole the Canadian Godzirra serum for a keepsake and then fed it to his lizard.
Eric: He may have – I don’t know – that fucking dinosaur pissed me off to no end.
Chris: It’s a Dirty Sanchez’s y’all!”
Eric: It seems like you liked – or enjoyed – this a lot more than I did. I felt like this was a miserable piece of shit that was a test of endurance. I test I almost failed. Or maybe I still get an F because I finished the thing. Can you believe that Dinosaur outfit?? I can’t think of one redeeming thing about this – except for maybe a couple of boobs. Wait – it was so fucking grainy I couldn’t even make them out!!! WHAT THE FUCK???
Chris: I thought it was funny but it sure wasn’t any fucking good – That Godzirra costume was a pitiful waste of Canadian capital. Although, I do have to admit I kinda, sorta had the hots for Backdoor Cheerleader. If I wasn’t married, you already KNOW I’d be giving her a Dirty Sanchez.
Eric: Amen to that and same here – I don’t think my wife would cotton to me going around giving Dirty Sanchez’s to strange women I have never met. In fact – she won’t even let me give her one!! I once approached her with the idea and that lead to a sit down discussion about me moving my things (and my body) into the bedroom upstairs. Kidding of course.
Chris: I know, I had a similar experience except it involved “The Motorboat” and my wife’s twin sister. And it didn’t involve the room upstairs, it revolved around a Holiday Inn in Saskatchewan. I mean – COME ON – they’re co-joined!! What’s the big deal??? (Kidding)
Eric: LOL – IS it cheating if your wife is co-joined?? Or are we just products of an older time?
Chris: We are barbarians…
Eric: The HUMANITY!!!!
Chris: Well – this was fun but the wife really is calling me away from “that fucking blog!!!” right now.
Eric: I understand – this was GREAT – let’s do this again sometime!!
Chris: Sounds good – over and out.
The more Dirty Sanchez heads you see, the worse the film!
Chris gives it 4 Dirty Sanchez’s out of 5
Eric gives it 5 Dirty Sanchez’s out of 5
If you’re interested in watching the full movie well, here it is!