Category Archives: MASKS

WOMEN BEHIND BARS ~ 1975

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This movie wasn’t exactly what I thought it was going to be. When I ordered this up I was expecting some sort of Prisonsploitation movie along the lines of something with Pam Grier in it where chicks do it with each other and the guards do it with the inmates and all of that bu,t that wasn’t what really happened here. Sure, there’s boobs and full frontal nudity (and one agonizing torture scene I didn’t include involving electrodes and a HOO HAW), but this was more of a plot driven movie (I KNOW!!) about a heist that included some naked women in jail. Anyway – let’s fire up one of those left handed cigarettes and see what we’ve got.

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In a harbor somewhere in Mexico (I believe) ~

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~ some masked “Chinamen” show up,  shoot a guy on his own boat and steal off with a box of diamonds!!

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They make their getaway to the beach!!

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But one of them double crosses the others and commits…………. MURDER!!!!!

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Back at HQ, the murderous Chinaman’s comely lady awaits him….

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But she double crosses him and commits…… MURDER!!!! (See how Chinese he is?) Feeling guilty, she calls the policia and turns herself in…

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Elsewhere…. at a hotel…..

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…. this man checks in…. do we care why???

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NO!!! Because we’re just here for this:

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and this!!!

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and prison chicks sleeping fully naked on their cots without blankets!!

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Because that’s what chicks in prison do!!!

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“Do you want to make it with me??” Someone asks!!

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“But of course!!!” Someone replies!!

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SMOOCH SMOOCH!!!

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JIZZ

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For the one person that’s here for plot: the brunette directly above was married to the dude who owned the cashbox full of diamonds. Her lover on the side was “the Chinaman” and they murdered him for the jewels. She turned herself in and the warden sent in Blondie to seduce her to get her to blab on where the diamonds were hidden. She never told, despite a graphic torture so she convinces her cell mates to kill Blondie – depicted below.

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Since Blondie was the warden’s lover, now he needs a new one:

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But she’s got other things on her mind!!! ESCAPE!!!

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At gunpoint, she lures the warden out into the streets. Where the partner of the guy at the hotel awaits!! He kills the warden!!! He wants those god damned diamonds!!!

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Back at the HQ I mentioned above, she kills the guy who killed the warden!!! Double crossed!!! To end the movie she steals off with the guy from the hotel and it was all a big insurance scam.

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FINAL ANALYSIS: Is this going to get everyone in the mood for a good rogering? Probably not, but there is one scene in the middle of the movie that will probably get everything steamy. Other than that, it’s more of an episode of CSI. With boobs and beaver.

A SWEET SICKNESS ~ 1968

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Friends, I think there are two ways we can look at this. One is that this might piss people off as it’s basically saying that, if you’re a female and want to make it in Hollywood, you’re going to have to put out – but you’ll probably like it. The other way is that this is kind of a simple, charming little skin flick that some sleazy movie producers got some chicks naked in and encouraged more ladies to come there way… and put out.  Either way, this is a story about (of course) a young, fetching woman from “the midwest” who doesn’t want to get on that casting couch but eventually turns that thinking around and gets her big break……. after she balls some people. It’s only about 60 minutes and it was actually kind of fun, so – *shrugs*.

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It’s seven o’clock somewhere!

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Time to rise and shine, ladies!!

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“Boy that was some party last night”, the chick in the black observes.

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“I need to shower to get the stink of cigarettes and scotch out of my skin…” she furthers.

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“You know, you could really go places if you would just screw people”, she concludes.

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“I’m not gonna do that,” says her roommate, ” I have values.”

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“I also have a hairbrush!!!”

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“Hey I lost the back washer!” Pleads whatsherface. “Can you give me a good soaping??”

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“Of course!” Says (I think) her name is Connie – let’s go with that.

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The roommate leaves for her audition so Connie goes back to bed.

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Meanwhile – the drunken landlord is up for his paper and he’s…… in the mood…..

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DING DONG goes the doorbell. “Who could that be at this hour?” thinks Connie.

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“IT’S ME TOOTS!!!” Barks the landlord, busting in like he owns the place. Which he does.

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He then willingly taketh of her unwilling flesh.

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Which, in the end………. she enjoys it mightily.

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Elsewhere, a movie agent wants to see “the goods” of his newest find before her big gig.

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So she does a ten minute dance number to some hideous bongo music.

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Lovin’ it the whole time…

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After the dancing, he tries to put it in her but she cock blocks him and storms out of the place. “WTF???” He thinks.

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So he calls up Connie – during her bath mind you – and offers her the gig the recently departed dancer didn’t get.

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Of course she says yes – hey it’s 200 bucks for chrissakes – and takes the job of stripping onstage for a bunch of drunk men and auctioning off her underwear.

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After the show, the man who bid the highest for her most dainties shows up for some… “action” ~

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~ but she slams the door on his fucking hand and ruins everyone’s good time!

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After that there’s another ten minute dance number by this chick who was moving and gyrating so fast that this really was the only pic I could grab that didn’t end up blurry.

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The next morning, Connie decides to do some apartment shopping.

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She finds a nice one. Quiet, clean…

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… all of the most high tech amenities…

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… so, naturally, she ends up getting the chloroformed handkerchief…

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… and drugged into a wild orgy…

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…. complete with other chicks….

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… a dude in a gorilla mask….

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… and a bunch of whipped cream.

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The next day she decides she loves sex so she balls the movie agent.

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*NOTE – ON THE CASTING COUCH*

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This pic was just notable for the fancy set design including the toilet paper on the head.

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So he gives a movie producer a call and says something like “She sure can ball, baby!!”

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And she counters with something to the effect of “You got that right, sport!”

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So she heads over to the movie studio…

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… meats the pervy movie producer…

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… and this film ends with a remote controlled bed emerging from his office wall….

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FINAL ANALYSIS: Is this going to get everyone in the car fired up for a big orgy?? I doubt it, but it was actually kind of fun in a weird way.

SHE-WOLVES OF THE WASTELAND ~ 1988

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MAD MAX with loosely clothed chicks?? I suppose…. this movie was pretty dumb and you can probably only imagine how bad the acting was and – sadly – there was a huge lack of boobs in what could have been a very promising movie. There are definitely a large number of loinclothed ladies in this but the action is pretty stupid, the gun fights are kinda lame and most of this involves fake fistfights and chases through the desert. Oh well, I’ve seen worse….

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This starts off with this lady on a horse staring out into the ocean.

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Then – BLAM!!! A dune buggy chase through the desert!!

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“We’re gonna get you, bitch!!!” Says no one.

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CRASH!!! OH SHIT!!!!!

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Later, the survivor of that dune buggy accident is taken before this hideous woman.

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“Let me kill her, old lady” says Persis Khambata.

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“You’ll never kill my spirit!!!!!!’ Volleys Dune Buggy Girl.

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“Psych!! I kill you with my brain, mother fucker!!!” Concludes the witch-thing.

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Elsewhere, outside a Motley Crue concert ~

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~ people are really wearing shit like this:

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Then they attack this girl for no reason…

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Luckily there’s a bad ass bitch walking around eating a nice, red apple she found somewhere in the apocalyptic wasteland.

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“Get the fuck out of here or we skin the bitch!!!” Shouts nobody.

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“I am so tough,” thinks Manwoman.

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“That Manwoman looks tough,” thinks this lady.

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So she tosses her apple in the air!!

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Blows them all away with her giant, fake gun!!!

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Then catches her apple and gives it a chomp!!

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“Let’s get out of here, kid” says Manwoman, copping a cheap feel. “Don’t take any wooden nickles.”

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But the excitement isn’t over!! Out in the desert they are ambushed like motherfuckers!!!

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“Manwoman??? Are you hurt???” panics Braless Victim.

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“Just my pride, baby” responds Manwoman. “I’m taking this skank out old school!!”

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“Bitch got away,” says the lady on the left who was killed earlier in the film. “Curses!!” Curses Khambata.

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“I know a safe place where we can rest,” advises Manwoman as they crawl through a cave system.

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*pause for dramatic effect*

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OOOOOOOOOO LA LA!!!!

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“YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!” They squeal, taking in the sights.

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Suddenly and without a card or graphic or anything, it’s five years later. “I have finally found them using the power of my brain,” hisses Witch Thing.

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So Khambata and her half clad, mascara wearing henchwomen descend upon the safe place, killing everyone and someone loses an ear.

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In the next scene, it’s suddenly two years later and that blond girl who was carrying the last baby on the planet now has a hairy kid.

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“Boy, the continuity in this movie sure sucks,” thinks Manwoman. “I hope I don’t have to fight anyone to the death any time soon.”

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Before too long, she’s captured by Khambata and her thugs and is forced to fight multiple women to the death.

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Eventually they run into the last man on Earth and these two do it in a sleeping bag.

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Eventually the gang is captured by some sort of mutated monks who chant TV show titles.

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There’s a big shoot out between Khambata and Manwoman…

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Then they, seriously, unplug the Witch Thing from her chair and she dies.

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And Manwoman rides off into the sunset.

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FINAL ANALYSIS: Is this going to get you going?? Not in the slightest.

GIRL SLAVES OF MORGANA LE FAY ~ 1971

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Preparing to screen “Girl Slaves” I thought this was going to be a lot more FUN than it actually was. Surely, with a title like that, this was going to be an exceptionally poorly acted movie with tons of boobs and chained up chicks slinking around. While I have NEVER EVER EVER EVER watched a porn O_o, I would consider this the equivalent of what we used to call a “chick porn” – one of those with a big plot and story instead of just a bunch of humping. Anyway, this movie is all serious and dramatic, but… oh well. Let’s see what we have here:

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This is the opening shot – things are looking good!

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Oh…………. wait………….. maybe not………

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LOOK!!! It’s BRIAN @ HARD TICKET TO HOME VIDEO in his one and only screen appearance!!!

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We don’t know who or why this blond is being punished, but they haul her off kicking and screaming. And nude.

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Elsewhere, a couple of French hotties are driving around some countryside in France…

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Here’s one of them:

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And the other:

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After an ominous scene in a pub – they head out to wherever they’re heading and, for real, their car breaks down in the middle of the night.

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So, naturally, they take shelter in a nearby barn….

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…. and MAKE IT!!!

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The next morning, of course, Anna wakes up and Francoise is missing!!!

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But Brian is there!! She follows him and his wee, little, French legs and giant horsecock…

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To a beach, where she hops on a boat and heads to:

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A castle on a remote island, where she is greeted by three women – a trio of GIRL SLAVES!!

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GIRL SLAVES who like to do a little bit of this!!

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Elsewhere, Anna is alone and confused….

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But then she meets Morgana Le Fay…

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… and then she really MEETS her… crazy Frenchies!

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Morgana, very badly wants Anna to join her coven, so she throws her a party, which has a little bit of this:

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Some of this:

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A little bit of this:

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Some artsy fartsy dancing:

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Some of this:

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Some more dancing:

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But it’s really all about this:

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And this:

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And some of this:

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I have no idea of WHY Anna would want to leave this island, but she does and heads off…

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Back on the mainland – she sees….

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… an OLD LADY which makes her want to go back to the island!!!

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So Morgana pops up out of the blue and welcomes her back with open…………. arms. END!!

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FINAL ANALYSIS: Is this going to get anybody ready?? Quite possibly – there’s a good bit of action in here but it’s all girls. Depends on what you’re in the mood for.

THE JOYS OF JEZEBEL ~ 1970

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Here’s a quick history lesson for all of us before we get the show started:

Jezebel was a princess, identified in the Hebrew Book of Kings as the daughter of Ethbaal, King of Tyre (Phoenicia) and the wife of Ahab, king of north Israel. According to genealogies given in Josephus and other classical sources, she was the great-aunt of Dido, Queen of Carthage. Jezebel was a power behind the throne. Ahab and Jezebel allowed temples of Baal to operate in Israel, and that religion received royal patronage. After Ahab’s death, Ahaziah and Jehoram, his sons by Jezebel, acceded to the throne. The prophet Elisha had one of his servants anoint Jehu as king to overthrow the house of Ahab. Jehu killed Jehoram as he attempted to flee in his war chariot. Jehu confronted Jezebel in Jezreel, where he incited her court officials to murder the queen by throwing her out of a window and leave her corpse to be eaten by dogs. Jezebel became associated with false prophets. In some interpretations, her dressing in finery and putting on makeup before her death (2 Kings 9:30) led to the association of use of cosmetics with “painted women” or prostitutes.

WHAT???? Nobody came here for that bullshit??? No one read that??? Everyone is just here for this????

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I see – well, I’ll shut it up and let’s roll the tape!!!

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Meet your host of the never-ending, infernal-est orgy ever put on: Lucifer and his codpiece!!!

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Elsewhere, on Earth, meet two of our heroins, Ruth ~

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~ and her virgin sister Rachel.

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Back in Hell, Lucifer is getting it on ~

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~ right in front of Jezebel. Jezebel is pissed that she was stabbed in the back and wants revenge!!! (I thought Lucifer was supposed to have cloven hooves for feet?)

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After taking a look at the Orgy of the Damned, Lucifer tells Jezebel she can go back to Earth and get revenge but she’ll have to convince The Virgin to take her place in Hell. He’s never lain with a virgin, you see. Never. Like totes.

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So she goes up to Earth and visits The Virgin ~

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~ just look at that bathtub!!!

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Elsewhere, this guy has been promised his own betrothal to The Virgin ~

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~ going so far in his commitment to skip an orgy!!!

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*BOOBS*

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But Jezebel had a trick up her sleeve!! Instead of swapping physical bodies, they just swapped souls!!! Aw shit!!

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So when Big Boy gets the cabana to consummate his marriage, it’s Jezebel’s soul in whatsherface’s body!!! And she’s FUCKING HORNY!!! “You’re no virgin!!!!” He wails and the deal is off, straight up!!!

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Down in hell, The Virgin in Jezebel’s body is awful scared and runs off to hide.

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Elsewhere in Hell, King Solomon is getting his kicks ~

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~ Go Go dancing style ~

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~ with some interesting first person POV for a movie like this….

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Elsewhere – everyone’s still orgy-ing it up!

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Back on Earth, Jezebel even manages to, basically, have the two sisters get it on.

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While, back in Hell, Eve from the ole Garden of Eden gets in on the act!

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Back on the planet, The Virgin seduces someone and there’s something about preventing a war or something….

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Back in Hell, poor Lucifer still hasn’t found The Virgin!! He needs to use “his weapon” soon (that’s his penis if you didn’t get it)

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Luckily Jezebel’s body with The Virgin’s soul is writhing around in ecstasy on some sort of platform nearby. Why???

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Because The Virgin and her suitor are finally Making It!!!

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“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH, the ecstasy”, she writhes.

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But Lucifer’s not going to let anyone deflower his virgin – so he swaps their bodies (but not their souls!!!)

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And he finally gets laid. THE END!!

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FINAL ANALYSIS: Is this going to get the windows steamy?? I don’t know – sure there are tons of boobs but the soft core sex scenes are all way too long and just feature a bunch of kissing – and boobs. 

SAVAGE WEEKEND ~ 1979

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Another re-issue but this time with new Pics for Posterity! This movie was actually a lot of fun, grainy as allgitout but fun. Let’s see what I wrote the last time around.

Back in the day(s), my family (mainly my G-Pa and G-ma and one of my friends) would load coolers full of food, beers pops, etc., grab my Great G-Pa’s Station Wagon and head out to the lake for the July 4th Holiday. I remember it being very fun and I remember my Gramps always complaining about pot smoking hippies (I think I’ve mentioned that before) and, what, don’t tell anyone, but my friends and I would sneak one of his beers down to the shore at night. Don’t judge! You know you did it! Kids will be kids!!  Ah yes. Pop Top beers – yummmmmmmm.

I honestly had no idea what to expect with this (or with any of the movies in these two boxes) but you can’t go wrong with this, right: “Several couples head upstate to the country to watch a boat being built. Unfortunately they are stalked by a murderer behind a ghoulish mask.” Well – we’ve been here before so we know there are some prerequisites, or some “givens” we are prepared for: shitty film quality, shitty sound, shitty acting, shitty dialogue and probably some loose boobs flying around. All present and accounted for, Captain!

They also throw in a mustached, handlebar style, lumberjack who isn’t afraid to squeeze some cow milk into his hands and drink it,  a mustached, jealous ex-husband, William Sanderson doing his best “Larry, Darryl and Darryl” work as a crazy yokel, a very quick sex scene that will make any man proud of his stamina, a surprising bunch of ewwwwwwwwww violence and an interesting gay character who plays all “Jack Tripper” style for a few minutes (who I swear has a boner in his kill scene), then beats the shit out of two rednecks in a bar and then goes back to being the stereotypical “Jack Trippery-Chef” guy. To close this paragraph, I was very surprised with what they did in this I-Stink-Of-No-Budget thing and I liked it. Recommended for fans of no budget, 70s slashers.

So, what have we got here? Alluring Marilyn Hamlin plays Marie, a woman distraught over her husband’s fall from “power” in the New York political scene and his subsequent emasculating shame, poor bastard. Her new boyfriend, her best girlfriend Shirley (Caitlin O’Heaney), a dude named Jay (aka The Quickie {lol}) and “Nicky” (Christopher Allport) all head off for Holiday in somewhere New York where the boyfriend is having a boat built by Sanderson (Otis) – a dumbass who can’t spell and still talks to his dead and buried Poppy, Clarence (I think was his name).

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The skinny about this: Marie and her new Old Man do some ballin’, Shirley and Jay do some ballin’, Marie and her New Old Man do some more ballin’, Otis gripes to his dead daddy about how them rich people are takin’ away the only thing he ever had (the boat), the lumberjack cuts a bunch of wood and milks a cow and suddenly a strange killer shows up in the summer house, dons a sweater and puts on a gross looking mask!

Soon everyone is getting killed vis a vis a hanging, a stick pin in the ear, some sort of antler to a face and, wait for it, wait for it, being strapped over a table saw!! WHATTT!!! Shit! I’m not going to tell you who the killer is or what’s the motivation, but it was kind of funny in that 70s Drive – In way and I “left the theater” with a good feeling about this one. Now, where’s my Schlitz??

FINAL ANALYSIS: Is this going to get you two in the back seat??? I doubt it, but it’s good, pre-huge budget, pre- PG 13 bullshit slasher fun. There’s a couple of sex scenes that might get your endorphins up. Otherwise, sit back and have some nachos and break open the Mickey’s Big Mouth.